Ten days and counting. I can’t believe it is only 10 days away! I feel like I just started training; am I really ready for this?
I had my first minor-meltdown-panic-attack type moment yesterday during our bike ride. It really started when I was getting ready. I put on my clothes and just felt like I was a fraud. I mean, who puts on tri-shorts and has a muffin top!? Not a real triathlete! I truly am in the best shape of my life, but yet my belly just won’t go away.
So, that was how my morning started.
It didn’t really get any better. The weather was icky – it was cold. Really? Cold in July? Yes. Cold and I really felt like I struggled on my ride. I just didn’t feel like I had it in me. So, on the way back from our out-and-back ride, I started to hear that nagging voice, “Really? You think you are going to be able to do an entire half-Ironman triathlon? People are going to be looking at you wondering what it is you are doing on the course. ..Just think of all the people that are going to be there in tip-top shape, slender and muscular, while you are standing there in your clothes with a muffin top. ..Who do you think you are?” Excuse my language, but I fucking hate that voice.
I hate that voice because it is the voice that has kept me down so many times throughout my life. It is the voice that has always told me I am not good enough, pretty enough, smart enough, and that I don’t deserve good things in life no matter how hard I have worked for them.
There is that old saying that the negative is so much easier to believe than the positive. I have found that most of my life has been lived within that frame of mind. What is ironic about that is that I am a HUGE cheerleader of positivity for those around me. I love telling people how great they are; how great they are doing; and making sure they believe that they can do anything they set out to do. Hell, that is my job as a friend, teacher, mother and coach. So, why can’t I do that for myself? I can. And come race day, I will. I will be my own cheerleader because I am going to be out there on my own and no one is going to get me across that finish line except me…and I do deserve to cross that finish line. I am good enough. I have worked hard enough.
There was this saying I came up with one day in grad school when someone was nervous about giving a presentation that my friends and I continue to say to one another when one of us is feeling less-than – you are pretty, smart and articulate.
My good friend Emily emailed me the other day to see how I was doing, and at the end of it she included that line with one addition…
Don’t forget you are pretty, smart, articulate AND a triathlete!
You are right, Emily that is what I am! And those are the words I will say to myself on 31 July!